The Shadow Within and the Relationship Between: Stutz Film Reflections
I recently saw the film Stutz by Jonah Hill because a beloved client of mine said it was interesting and wanted to explore it further during a session some time. I love these kinds of discussions, so I jumped at the opportunity. In reaction to this highly acclaimed film, I decided to write out my reflections as a therapist towards it.
Initially, the audience thinks it will be about Jonah Hill’s therapist: a wise, kind man struggling with Parkinson’s. However, it is mainly about the relationship formed between patient and therapist, which is undeniably powerful and a catalyst for healing. As the path towards healing is discovered, all the elements of therapy are implemented: creating “tools”, which are the incorporation of one’s body, mind and relationship to form a healthy balance and lifestyle. As within, so without. Jonah’s mother is even invited, to Stutz’s surprise, in order to bring some enlightening effects and a classic family therapy session.
On many occasions throughout the film Jonah tells his therapist he loves Stutz, and the audience could think: “How could he say? Isn’t it unprofessional?” What most people who begin therapy do not realize is the impact of the therapeutic relationship. This is one of the first things I learned in my training as a therapist in graduate school. That is why it is so important to be open and honest, even when it is difficult. What I have noticed in my practice is: if someone is not receiving the results he/she/they has expected, growing frustrated, they seek another therapist. They have now achieved how to view therapy in a negative light. Instead of resolving their frustration in a respectful way with their therapist, they will dump on the next therapist about how awful the experience was with the last.
In the film, Jonah admits he had been lying to Stutz about the progress of his film, which almost seemed like a distraction from the issues at hand in Jonah’s own therapy (i.e. dealing with his weight and self esteem). If Jonah had blamed his lack of progress on the therapist, left, and found another therapist; the process would have cycled again. Most therapists are trained and truly care about people, even to their own detriment at times. The issue is how you resolve those issues that come up in a therapy session.
Jonah learns to get real with his therapist, which in turn, creates an avenue for him to get real with himself and to truly heal. Stutz had a few intelligent pointers for that. It is so refreshing to find a film about a therapist (which are not many) and depicts him or her or they in a positive light. The fear of transparency is limiting; the ability to be open is limitless. You will be amazed at how much you can achieve.
Asking the right questions
Asking the right questions means getting more information when your instinct is to react strongly. Here are some questions to ask in certain situations.
When you don’t understand your partner – what do you need right now from me?
When you don’t understand an emotion you are feeling– When did I start feeling like this? What situation(s) triggered it and what part of my life does it remind me of?
When you feel you are engaging in unhelpful behaviors – What is this truly doing for me? Does it help me feel…(fill in the blank). Then discuss the rest with me ; )
These are just some examples of asking the right questions. I know I have said that phrase a few times now in this post. I truly think the phrase answers a lot of doubts! How many times do I hear from people that they do not understand another person’s actions? Or how many times have I heard clients say “I am in therapy because someone else will not go to therapy”. I know it seems unfair, but a lot people do not heal or grow because they do not believe in healing for themselves. Therefore, they are taking out their anger on others, that “other person” goes to therapy to realize they need self care too. Yes, we are affected by others, there is no shame in that reality. The main thing is to find peace within ourselves and with others. Both of those goals take work. So, when you find yourself confused about a situation (as the above examples), take a moment to think about what question you need to ask yourself. Get real for a moment. I know it’s hard for some of us, but getting real is necessary for growth. The main things to ask oneself is not why but what. What makes me do this? What makes me upset? Asking why only makes us feel stuck, because we are human, so we feel. That is the answer for why. When you ask what situation started this? Or what person in my life is creating this world view for me? We begin to go deeper with these questions. You may need a therapist to go deeper, so I am here when you need it, or I have referrals. Taking care of yourself is important!
Battling Busy-ness
“Tips for grounding”.
We live in a very busy society right now, so finding peace in every moment is even more valuable. You may be thinking: “How can I find peace in EVERY moment? That’s impossible!” Well, I am not promising perfect peacefulness, but with awareness comes acceptance, which is a type of meditative peacefulness. Try these exercises today to increase your awareness:
observe something in nature
talk to friends (they bring out the best in us)
incorporate the senses: touch something interesting, like a fuzzy peach, smell something nice, like a candle, listen to sounds outside, like the breeze
tell a joke (or make yourself truly laugh)
think of 4 things you are truly happy about right now in your life
repeat 1-6 :)
What Happens When There is Infidelity
There are many wounds experienced in affairs; the deepest betrayal. If you are involved in an affair or your spouse was in a previous relationship, each of you will need extra support to process the hurt and trauma. It is considered a traumatic event, according to experts. The movies and films make affairs look sexy and racy. It is far from it and it indicates underlying deficits in the marriage or partnership. If you are considering leaving your partner, I recommend that you talk to them about it, and do it the right way, not through cheating on them. If you are unhappy in your relationship, (again) talk to your partner; especially about areas in which you are unhappy (in a kind manner). I understand that no one wants to confront their partner due to risking the “peace” at home. However, while that may help you in the short run, the long run will create dissatisfaction in both partners because one (or both) has begun to disconnect and withdraw. I have never met a couple that came into my office after engaging in an affair, saying, “Wow, I am so glad I did that. I got to leave my partner and have fun while doing it”. NEVER. I always hear the person who betrayed feeling remorseful, wanting what they had in their marriage previous (although it had its difficulties) to the affair, because it was easier to live with than the ramifications and aftermath of the affair. I always hear the betrayed partner say “If only they had talked to me about this and didn’t go behind my back to fix it themselves.” The betrayer believes he or she will not get caught. The betrayed person notices small, odd changes from his or her spouse. A marriage requires a lot of trust. So, once that is breeched, it is very difficult to get back. It takes a lot of work, patience, and in some cases, suffering.
If there are holes in your marriage, talk to each other, or at least, talk to a professional. Infidelity is painful and it is not taken lightly.
How Has Technology Impacted Us?
As we drive away from past into future, watching the image of what we once knew as simple and sweet shrinking smaller in the rear view mirror the more we plunge forth. We are becoming more aware that the children coming into this world currently do not know a life without cellphones or tablets. I know a lot of us have wondered what will happen as we live in a more simple technologically sound world.
With that said, I want to ask you: Do we talk to people like we text? Has our language changed due to the introduction of certain technology advancements? These are thoughts that enter my mind as I explore the importance of technology and its influence in our language. Are we forgetting formalities? Are we too casual with each other? Are we too honest with what we think and feel towards others?
What do you think? Please email me with your thoughts and I may include it into another post! Thanks for stopping by here!
What you (mostly) need to know about mental health professionals...
The title is quite long, but it is important to draw your interest to the point of this post. I find more often than not, people are confused about what certain mental health professionals do. It is important to know who is who so you can get the BEST care! Let’s start with the basics (which is mostly what you nee to know). Please reach out if you have questions! (And yeah, you could google this, but why not hear it from someone in the field?)
Now, let me start with defining every professional you could encounter in the psych world. Just for the record, a PhD is wonderful, however, it is not needed to do clinical work. Thus, a Masters degree is a clinical degree. The trick is to understand what each profession studies so you can decide who best fits you.
A psychologist; a person who has a PhD level degree, who is specifically trained in testing and diagnosing complex disorders. The way I like to think of it is: if you’re not sure what’s wrong and you need more quantitative information, this is a very good option. Plus, they have tons of training and knowledge.
A psychiatrist; a professional who has an M.D. level degree, so they prescribe medications. So, most of the psychiatrists I have known are there to help you decide what kind of medication to take. Some are well versed in Naturopathic alternatives, however, be aware that unless you are very vocal about your needs, they are going to want to give you medication. This is helpful if you are suffering from severe anxiety, depression, BiPolar Disorders I & II, Schizophrenia, ADHD, Autism, and others.
A Licensed Professional Counselor: a Masters level therapist who practices a wide range of interventions. The training, to me, is diverse.
A Licensed Clinical Social Worker: a Masters level professional who are trained briefly in many different areas of therapy. In my experience, they are strong in community life and resources, meaning they usually go into professions that require lots of “behind the scenes”; connecting individuals and families to the best resources to fit their needs.
A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist: a Masters level therapist, heavily trained in family systems. This means, taking the individuals’ environment into account, and looking at dynamics, patterns, and cycles of interactions that impact his or hers functioning.
With all of this said, each therapist has a different background of experience and knowledge. I knew a psychiatrist who studied Marriage and Family Therapy systems and styles of interventions! I know many LPC’s who go into the same fields as most LMFT’s. It’s all one happy community. No one is better than the next, but it’s important to know the difference so you can keep that in mind while you’re seeking a therapist. Ask them what kind of models they use and what aspects of therapy they enjoy! Happy healing!
COVID coping... getting grounded
So here we are with another month soon to be completed in lock`down. How do you feel? What have you noticed about yourself? Are you learning anything? What are some thoughts you’re having? Maybe you have the Calm App? or Headspace App? I personally enjoy the Soultime App as it combines meditation with spirituality. Let’s take a moment to ground. What is grounding: it’s acknowledging your present moment- right in that moment. So as you deep breath to melodic music, using imaginal activities helps with focusing your mind. Imagine your stressor as a spiral. Imagine that spiral going clockwise or counterclockwise. Which way does it go? Now, make it go the other direction and notice what happens.
Try this exercise: take in what you want from the world (or nature), and breathe out what you want to give back. Of course, this will lead you to think of positive qualities! Breathing in the stillness of the trees, and breathing out peace towards those around you.
Lastly, tap yourself a few times as you think about your favorite place. What is going on in your mind, body, soul? Take some time to jot some notes about it to look back on next week.
I’ll be back here again soon!
Coping with Covid Continued...
Here is something very important that the CDC writes about stigma. It is really easy to “blame others” during this time, so take a moment to read about how to avoid this. I know this is hard, I can definitely attest. Let’s not give up on being human.
Follow the link: https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/reducing-stigma.html?CDC_AA_refVal=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.cdc.gov%2Fcoronavirus%2F2019-ncov%2Fsymptoms-testing%2Freducing-stigma.html
What to do to COPE with COVID~
In one weekend, my life was changed. And I knew I wasn’t the only one. I felt a warm tear leave my glassy eyes as I reflected on how unsafe I suddenly felt. I know I am not alone, and that is why I am here to help. It is amazing to see how society allies together in crisis. It is also a reminder on implementing ways to do so without a crisis. Together, I am more aware that we are making an impact exactly where we are. And this brings hope.
You may be feeling scared for yourself or worried for loved ones; not just about health, also about work, finances, etc. Here are some ways to cope.
Don’t dwell on negative future possibilities. There is a difference between being prepared and being paranoid. (Hint: paranoid is thinking about what your possible situation over again; prepared is taking time to plan then resting.)
Enjoy activities. When you’re involved in an activity whether exercising or taking a bath, keep that activity in mind, not what is going on around you. Perhaps your involvement in these activities is overdue. Remind yourself this is an opportunity to reset.
Talk to friends and family. Engage with others and remind yourself you are not alone.
Lastly, make an appointment with a trusted counselor/therapist. I am here to help you through your circumstance with much warmth and kindness/compassion.
Reconciling with the Past
As I say many times, anxiety is most experienced when our thoughts live too much in the past or the future. Today, let’s focus on the past, as it has the element we most hate in the human condition: unable to change it. Yes, you may grieve past mistakes or things people have done to you to take away your opportunities, etc. However, there is healing for you in a way that you CAN change. A change within yourself.
Begin with finding a quiet space. Invite peace into that space with you. Think of the offense/ the pain and pray/say out loud: “I acknowledge that this hurts, and I feel despair because of this situation. I accept that I cannot control everything and pain is often a part of life. I choose to let go of this hurt. I also acknowledge I have been hurt by (this person) and I accept this person has a right to choose their own future. I choose to release them from any obligation to me.”
Congratulations on letting go. You may need to repeat this so that it sinks in more deeply over time.
(*Taken from Naiomi Trenor from Soultime app)
What is the difference between therapy and counseling?
The following blog from Simple Practice, shows the differences! Read ahead, it is a helpful way to understand!
https://www.simplepractice.com/blog/whats-the-difference-between-therapy-counseling-coaching/
Learning Styles for Couples?
Growing up, we were taught that kids had different learning styles and in order to be a good communicator (Communications Class 101), we needed to incorporate all the learning methods to a subject matter being taught: auditory, tactile (reading/writing), visual, kinesthetic. Then I began to think as I saw couples in therapy over the years. What if couples had a certain way in which they processed information?
Today, we are bombarded with A LOT of information! Everywhere we go, we are listening and looking; from roadside advertisements, to listening to music in our wireless earbuds. So, by the time you get home to your partner/spouse, you are most likely worn out by all the information you processed that day from work, the commute, etc. Do you think your partner is going to “hear you“ when you ask if he or she can put in a load of laundry? Perhaps he will. Perhaps she will say it only 4 times instead of 6. But how can you make sure your spouse hears you loud and clear the first time?
Limit screen times. You don’t need to spend so much time on Instagram and email. Allocate a certain part of the day for that, and make sure it doesn’t interfere with quality time spent with your spouse.
Notice the times your spouse DID respond: how did you say it? What time of day was it? Were you in the same room? Was one of you doing something else at the time? These seem like simple questions, but with some awareness, you’d be surprised as to what you discover!
Tune into your partner’s needs. Is she tired at the end of her day?Is he overwhelmed and needs to talk and hang out with you before going into “task mode”?
Use your empathy skills to create a nice atmosphere in your home, so you may benefit as well, and… Have fun with it!
Who Are We When...
Many times, our personalities can show through when we are waiting in line. More importantly, who are we when no one is looking? I remember there was a sign in my fifth grade class growing up that never left my mind: “Character is who you are when no one is looking”. Do you let that person go inside the building first when it’s cold out? Do you let someone else go before you even if you’re running late? Although we live in a fast- paced, screen-centered world, taking the time to slow down, do something kind for someone, and letting yourself enjoy a moment of being still (even if it involves waiting), can actually make your day easier.
Comment below your experiences and observations!
TEENS: Wait to Date
I know, I know, adolescents have the need to “be an adult” and “go on their own”. I’ve been there, I know what it was like. However, if there is one piece of advice I could give a teen, it would be to wait before dating. I am all for mixed gender friendships, hanging out in groups, etc. However, when it comes to creating a romantic relationship at a stage where your brain isn’t fully developed, is dangerous.
Here’s why.
1. Teenagers still have an innocence about the world. At that age, they are doing a lot of observing, but not living out experiences yet, so they are overly trusting. So, why allow a teen to prematurely learn lessons of heartache and betrayal when they need to be experiencing life as fun still!
2. Adolescents are looking to be validated and accepted, this is part of their life stage. This is great, because as a parent, you can be their best “cheerleader” by giving them responsibilities you know he or she can be good at, and watch them flourish! Just watch: a teen will light up at the chance to prove to you they are trustworthy and responsible! As an added bonus, what other kids say about him or her will weigh a lot less.
3. Teens still need an adults’ help to make healthy decisions. (20-somethings still do!) So, as parents, guide your teenager towards healthy people. As a teen, let your parents in on your life and let them make comments of caution (or praise) if needed. You will wish you had done so after it’s too late.
Thought of the day, June 20th
“Everything has its moment. We may want to hold onto some moments more than others. This is a good thing. However, it is also a thing to know how to let some moments go”.
Does this resonate with you? Comment below thoughts and experiences that come to mind with this idea!
When You Don't Know
It is difficult at times to allow ourselves to “not know” what is next in our lives. Sometimes, we need time to heal. Or we need to allow others time to heal. Perhaps a decision cannot be made without time to reveal more of the facts. Perhaps, as strange and odd as you may feel in this “stage” of your life- perhaps, (go with me for one moment now…) Perhaps: you were meant to be in this part of your life for a reason you may never grow to understand. Simply accepting there is a reason, and this stage is an acceptable “state of being” is all you need to focus on right now. Perhaps this trial is in your life because you are going from one thing to the next, and you just need to focus on one or two things that are of value and importance. This age spends so much time worrying; there’s wisdom in not worrying so much on what you cannot control. A lot of our stress comes from thinking that we have “done something wrong” that led us to where we are currently. Let that go right now. Remember: you are not the problem. You simply live in an imperfect world where you are creating solutions and creatively exploring how to survive. You are the wealth of beauty, positive energy, and wisdom that you bring into the world. Bring more of that- and less of that feeling of confusion of what you seek to know when you don’t know. (You may not be meant to know right now, and that’s okay…)
Research behind the idea
In an article from Psychology Today, I found interesting information, which supports the design behind Ventureoutherapy. In fact, I have found many articles about brain function also paint this picture: “For their latest UAB study, Linda Overstreet-Wadiche and Jacques Wadiche—who are both associate professors in the University of Alabama at Birmingham Department of Neurobiology—focused on neurogenesis in the dentate gyrus region of the hippocampus. The dentate gyrus is an epicenter of neurogenesis responsible for the formation of new episodic memories and the spontaneous exploration of novel environments, among other functions.”
The design behind Ventureoutherapy is to allow for new neural pathways to form and communicate with each other through the connection of the synapses (which is maliable and keeps changing so as to form more of a bond between them).
“More specifically, the researchers focused on newly born granule cell neurons in the dentate gyrus that must become wired into a neural network by forming synapses via neuroplasticity in order to stay alive and participate in ongoing neural circuit function. There are only two major brain regions that are currently believed to have the ability to continually give birth to new neurons via neurogenesis in adults; one is the hippocampus (long-term and spatial memory hub) the second is the cerebellum (coordination and muscle memory hub). Notably, granule cells have the highest rate of neurogenesis. Both the hippocampus and cerebellum are packed, chock-full with granule cells.
Interestingly, moderate to vigorous physical activity (MVPA) is one of the most effective ways to stimulate neurogenesis and the birth of new granule cells in the hippocampus and the cerebellum.“ To read a wide range of Psychology Todayblog posts on the topic click on this link.)
Therefore, since the neural pathways can bring new experiences throughout the brain, and the synapses are growing and bonding, we can recreate our memories, process through difficulties, and invent solutions when feeling “stuck”.
When Feeling Stuck...
Sometimes we get overwhelmed with this sinking feeling that something just isn’t right in our lives. Perhaps we don’t feel aligned with our goals, or we’re not expressing ourselves in a healthy way, or connecting to our creative selves. In times like this, I do what I call “venturing out”. I get outside and clear my head. This is what sparked my business idea, and that is why I feel confident it helps heal people. Venturing out is like connecting with our inner selves or family member/spouse again.
It is an HONOR to learn...
I have to say, I learn a lot from my clients. I find it is an honor to be a part of someone’s life journey, and yet, I reflect on what it must be like to enter into that “space” the person in front of me is going through. I have learned that veterans do not get the mental health attention they require or need. I wish to advocate for that. I have learned what it is like to live in a Haitian community in the United States; what is it like to be an African-American male; and the struggles of being a local farmer. I write this to say: I want to honor you. I want to honor your past, your decisions (whether perceived to be right or wrong), your goals and your story. I may challenge you along the way, but essentially, I am learning what it is like to live your life, which is unique from all the rest.
Carving Out Time Together
For couples this is HUGE! I know there can be a million excuses on why there’s no time left in the day to go out together or to just spend some extra time alone. The major ones include: kids, activities, in laws, visitors, stress, work, etc! Can you relate? That’s okay! Here are some tips:
Make a plan ahead of time (even months in advance so you stick to it)
Do something you don’t usually do- so it’s new to both of you! It doesn’t have to be costly: a walk in the local park, watching the sunset from your roof, drive to the closest city… get creative and fun!
Don’t talk about work or other “stressors“ while you’re out- use another time during the day for this. You may need to plan for “family meeting time” as well.
Create a positive atmosphere while you’re together: compliment your spouse/partner for their efforts in how they look, smell, handle themselves, do a task, etc. Touch them on the shoulder, run your fingers through their hair, be flirty!
It’s important not to lose the “spark” that first ignited at meeting. Remember those times and what worked for you then and try to bring it back! It’s never too late! If you need more support around this, make an appointment with me :)